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31 March 2013 @ 08:23 pm
A bloo bloo bloo  
Let's talk about how much I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Or not. Yeah, no, let's not.

Last weekend I went to [community profile] muskratjamboree and it was epic, just as it was the last time. I tend towards the quiet, lurky side, since I've not been super vocal in fandom in the last several years, but I still love fan culture and hearing the last about what people are reading and watching and doing. I've picked up a lot of potential fandoms that may interest me, and had a great time basking on the aura of enthusiasm that everyone brought for their respective fandoms.

Mostly, it made me really want to create things again -- like, in terms of vidding or ficcing again, obviously, but also in a more general sense. Like, what excuse do I have -- what valid excuse do I have -- for not writing more, or for not doing more photomanips, or working on graphics so that I can actually get good enough to commit the images in my head to paper? Why am I not reading and critiquing more fic, or betaing anymore, or generating meta? Why am I pushing ideas aside as being too undeveloped or "out there" when I know I would get pleasure from writing them, and when I know, first hand, that there is an audience for everything, however brief, or meandering, or outlandish.

I feel like I am turning my back on a potentially welcoming community** out of a sense of inadequacy and this idea that I have nothing of value to offer, and that is just total bullshit. There are brilliant ideas out there that I am missing out on by not paying more attention to the community, and my own ideas are stagnating and dying because I never even give them a chance. I need to put the kibosh on that mode of thinking, yo.

Tomorrow starts the April round of Camp NaNoWriMo, and I'm hoping that lights the appropriate fire under my ass to start me writing again, because it's not so much that I have no ideas as it is that I never give myself permission to just write and not worry about quality or plot, and once I get started, I usually generate some decent stuff if I can keep it going long enough. Hoping to start on a collection of short fiction that I've been putting off committing to paper since, mmm, October, maybe??

**I'm referring specifically (in light of the con) to the fandom community, but in a broader and just as valid sense, I also mean the ~creative community in general. I enjoy making things, I enjoy crafting, and crocheting, and writing, but I don't make time for them any more. It's like -- work, gym, dinner, chores, internet, bed, everyday. THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN THAT, GODDAMNIT. I just need to... fucking reclaim it, man.

Meanwhile, this weekend I spent (with SIGNIFICANT help from Andy) getting the house clean, because SPRING, BITCHES. Wow, with two of us, we got basically EVERYTHING done in a day and a half, which is pretty epic, honestly. I still have to clean the tub and then my craft room (because, aha, the craft room is basically a dumping ground for whatever shit I've been working on -- or not working on -- and right now it contains:

1. a suitcase still half-full from MJ,
2. a stack of newspapers for a paper mache Loki helmet I am "supposed" to make for Anime Boston,
3. several blocks of Sculpey, a bunch of loose and disorganized jewelry posts and jump hooks, bottles of acrylic paint, and dozens of charms in various stages of completeness,
4. piles of clothing that no longer fit, strewn on both my desk chair and my dress makers dummy,
5. most of my collection of scrapbooking supplies, all over my desk, because... fuck you, that's why (no, I have no recollection of using them recently, I don't know how or why they're there)

but the craft room is closed off from the rest of the flat 99.9% of the time anyway, and I kind of regard it as a seperate entity, because I'm the only one who ever goes in there anyway. So while I DO want to get it cleaned and organized, it's not as much of a priority as the rest of the living space). This is a big deal, because it makes me feel like SOMETHING in my life is just, you know, DONE. Set. A-ok. In order. It means it's one less thing I have to feel anxious about, or to use as an excuse as to why I'm not doing X, Y, and Z instead of fretting about my living space or feeling overwhelmed by other obligations (also, everything smell like Fresh Water, and that's super nice, ahh...) We threw the windows open yesterday and tore down the curtains (to wash them), the the whole flat as full of fresh air and sunlight, and yeah... it feels like, if I had to wait for a time to start things over, this is it. This is the time to renew commitments to yourself.

Other things:

1. I've been driving. I know, wow. I'm hating it less. We're planning on scheduling my road test sometime in April, taking it sometime in May. I fucking hate merging onto the highway, but so does everyone. Other than that, I don't mind highway driving, and I've been long resigned to city driving. I've been taking myself around, to Mel's house, to and from work, to the gym... I'm excited to be able to apply to jobs that require a driver's license, because while that would mean I'd need to buy a car (it's usually in-home training, direct care work, etc.), the jobs that would require it also pay enough that it would be a reasonable expense to buy a semi-decent used car for work.

2. Work. I'm looking. I don't hate my job right now -- on the contrary, while there are some really frustrating moments, in general, I enjoy it. So now is really the time to look, when I'm in the frame of mind where I am restless enough to be mentally willing to try something new, but emotionally stable enough to be selective, and to only apply to jobs that sound like a step up, instead of applying to anything because AT LEAST IT'S NOT THIS.

3. I need fanart -- good fanart -- of a.) true-form!Castiel, and b.) Ice King/Marceline (not in a romantic sense) from Adventure Time, because oh my God, I think I'm addicted to Adventure Time, and Ice King and MArceline just make me go A BLOO BLOO BLOO.

I just heard the dryer stop, which is my signal to go and fold clothes, because Lord knows I won't feel like it after the gym tomorrow. Enjoy what little remains of the weekend, everyone.
WesleysGirl: Spike/Weswesleysgirl on April 1st, 2013 01:33 pm (UTC)
I'd love to cheer you on re: creating fannish material, so keep me in mind if you need a beta or just someone to wave pom poms. Rah rah! I really identify with some of what you said. I used to write SO MUCH, and then somehow I started feeling like what I write isn't good enough in some indefinable way, and like it's not okay to post anything unless it's been beta'd, etc. I used to just write and post, even without a beta, and it felt really good. Now it's like there's some kind of roadblock.
blood & honey: grammaphonesumofherregrets on April 4th, 2013 03:17 am (UTC)

I just can't FOCUS on anything, either, which is part of the problem -- like, partly ADD (and I don't throw the term around lightly, like I really want to get evaluated, because I'm becoming more and more textbook) and part just constantly judging myself and being unable to commit words to paper because, I don't know, I'm afraid it won't be perfect immediately?

If I do write anything this month, I'll be sure to post it :)
Elaine the Apocalyptic, of Deepest Throcking: the Ladyelaineofshalott on April 1st, 2013 02:19 pm (UTC)
Tomorrow starts the April round of Camp NaNoWriMo

What is this April Camp NaNoWriMo of which you speak? I thought NaNo was only for November?
blood & honey: grammaphonesumofherregrets on April 4th, 2013 03:11 am (UTC)
Something that I'm apparently not actually going to do, because I have debilitating ADD, and can't even focus on this anymore.

But in a more helpful sense, it's sort of a NaNoWriMo redux; runs in April and July, and has a more flexible rules and wordcount goals.
larivee22: pic#74623754larivee22 on April 1st, 2013 11:22 pm (UTC)
I hear you with the crochet. Also: once you get used to it, driving will be great. It's so worth it that it's worth going to any length to keep in practice. It's freedom.
blood & honey: grammaphonesumofherregrets on April 4th, 2013 03:13 am (UTC)
I don't feel super bad about the crochet because I'm still really grooving on polymer clay and it fulfills the same creative need, but I'd still like to get back to it.

I've been on and off driving for a couple of years now, apparently scheduling a road test is a fucking hassle and a half now. A friend of mine from Andover had to go to N. Admas for hers, had to take a day out of work and everything.
Now I Am Six: sex and the city: windownowiamsix on April 2nd, 2013 03:13 pm (UTC)
I feel like I am turning my back on a potentially welcoming community** out of a sense of inadequacy and this idea that I have nothing of value to offer

I FEEL LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME. I lurk in pretty much every single fandom that I'm involved in. I posted two Smallville fics and the response that I got for them was amazing and it made me feel so great. But I'm afraid to put myself out there.

We have creative writing workshops in town that I want to do because it's something that I'm interested in, but I just. I feel like I'm not brave enough to go there and say, "Well, this is my idea" only to have someone say that it's ill-conceived or cliche or something.
blood & honey: grammaphonesumofherregrets on April 4th, 2013 03:14 am (UTC)
Workshops are cool if only because they sort of FORCE you to produce, because you don't want to be the only one emptyhanded. Once I start, I can be fairly happy with what I write, but I just can't friggin START anymore.

I would love to be more active in fandom again :-/
Colin: GIRcentrius on April 3rd, 2013 01:09 am (UTC)
Nnnngh driving in the city is an absolute pain in the ass. Mostly because people just have no spacial awareness around them: "Oh a 2 foot space between those cars that are actively driving. I can totally fit my giant Ford F1 Fuck-You-Mobile in that."
blood & honey: grammaphonesumofherregrets on April 4th, 2013 03:15 am (UTC)
I am aware that I have spatial issues, which is why it's taken me so long to really commit to learning how to drive. The number of people on the road who apparently also have similar issues and no self-awareness of it (or just no fucks to give about it) astounds me.
Colin: Bouncy ba - -OH FUCKcentrius on April 4th, 2013 03:42 am (UTC)
Well, the people on the road right now have a combination of assholiness and no awareness. It's pretty rough out there at times X_x